Feels wierd that I'm starting to blog again. Wonder why I started this habit anyway. Just felt the need to write things out and hopefully things will get better ?

After that day, when she actually took the initiative to talk to me but I pissed her off, I guess things just kind of went downwards. I'm not exactly sure why, but I pretty much can guess now that she doesn't like me. Or rather, she won't ever have feelings for me. Guess I'm really not her type of guy. Or rather, if she actually went straight again, I guess I would never be on that list of "bf material".

I accidentally (okay, i actually googled it and found it) found her blog and cherr's old blog too. I read thru the entries.. Seems like although they had a bit of bitterness at the very end, their whole r/s still was pretty sweet.. it stopped in year 2009, but I guess the way she calls Cherr baby and all, just makes me feel sweet for them, and at the same time, sad for myself, cause it kind of reminded me that she was still lesbian, and the fact that she liked Zp and ZZ b4 prob meant that she might become straight if the right guy comes along, and apparently, despite me being around, I guess I'm just not that guy she's looking at.

I saw the photos too. She still looks cute when she was younger, but with curly hair and all. Cherr looks more kiddish back then, but I guess shes grown a bit skinnier and a lot more mature since then.

Wonder why its so hard for me to let go this time round. Maybe its because I had this crazy idea that if i treated her nice, I might actually be able to change her perception about me. Or is it just that everytime she smiles, I'm actually quite smitten. Whatever it is, I guess instead of doing better, my recent "temper" and attitude probably got the worse of me. She's not really replying my messages anymore, and I guess this is it.

I know I should start to move on. But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to prove to others what I can be and cannot be, or try to correct my image in front of others. I'm tired of being this clown and joker, and yet, no one really seems to take me seriously either.

It's really time to stop partying and stop trying to look as if I'm enjoying life, and perhaps mellow down. I'm not young anymore. Health is really going down the drain, but I doubt she would even care.

Wonder why I'm being like this to myself. It seems that this time round, its not just about moving on. I guess I really really need to stop falling in love anymore. Because after every time, although I'm getting closer to what I really really want as a life partner, the hurt just keeps mounting up, and I guess my heart's not young anymore to take all this nonsense.

Damn it. I really need to escape..