After yesterday, I guess enough is enough. I'm really quite sick and tired of myself being like that, and every time I see or learn new stuff that hurts me. Really painfully hurt.

All this while, I felt sad because I knew I wasn't able to do anything because the person in her heart was Hx. It felt bad cause as long as Hx was around, things would always feel.. different. It was a barrier I wasn't able to penetrate, and at the same point of time, if she did ask me out, it was to do things that Hx did not like to do, such as watching super hero or cartoon movies, or eating ice cream waffles. I was the spare tyre, the "best friend to ask out when your bf/gf is busy", and the dumb ass who thought I would actually stand 2nd place in her heart for everything I would do for her. Previously there was Zz, and her liking Zz made me feel that I wasn't good enough, or that I was probably lacking in a lot as compared to Zz for her to like Zz, and I actually told myself to be a bit more persistent and try and see how things go. Look where it got me.

Yesterday, after her exams, everything was still pretty ok when we met up, but once we hit the clubs, Z stuck to Zhipeng non-stop. Even during the finger-guessing game, she started getting very close to Zhipeng, and would dance beside him. I think the straw came when she wanted to get alcohol, and her ticket was with me, and yet Zhipeng was the one who came and ask me to order for her. Why is it suddenly I'm the one who seems to be the least close to her, and with Zhipeng being super close to her ? I felt pissed. I felt heated. I was angry at them both, even though I know I shouldn't be, but inside hurt too much. I went downstairs to call Aaron and talk it out cause I was suffocating in the club, but Ron asked me back in. Yet, when I went back in, I realised the 2 of them had gone to the dance floor themselves. I did not even bother going to the dance floor to look for them. I guess it was a wrong move. I should have. Perhaps if I did, I might have seen "other stuff" happen. Anyway they came back, and I guess everyone sensed me being upset. And they all tried to get wild and high to dance it out and maintain the clubbing mood.

Everything was still quite okay till this point, but as usual, it was pretty obvious she was closer to him. Instead of asking me to buy drinks for her, she got him to do so. She shared his beer instead. She stuck to him and talked and laughed with him. In the end, the final straw came when they went back to the dance floor. I stayed out first to wait for my sis and Cat. But when I finally entered the dance floor, what I saw was that Ron was dancing with Iris in one corner, while Zoe was dancing with Zhipeng in another, plus she was putting her arms on his shoulders or chest.

I know this is a blog, but trust me, that scene is still stuck in my head at this very moment, it has been flashing on my mind since it happened, and the pain is real. My heart felt the pain, I guess it would be graphic for me to say that it really did crack. I tried to cry but I just could not. The tears won't come out, and yet inside, everything was pouring and breaking down. I'm really not sure why, but I guess this always happens to me. It happened when Josh started getting much closer to Regina, it happened when I had this silly crush on Elizabeth, and yet she liked Kev, it happened when Livone started talking to me less and hanging out with Simon more, and its happening once again right here right now to Z and Zhipeng.

I told myself when I cried myself to sleep last night, that I would never ever think of her and or ever treat her nice ever again. I can't continue with this pain anymore. It hurts. Really. Its real for me. I've never felt this much pain for such a long time. The last time I felt pain was when Livone actually ended everything with me, but even that was nothing compared to how I felt when I saw Z putting her arms on Zhipeng's chest or shoulders and dancing away. I felt the same amount of pain and the feeling of emptiness and helplessness when I found out Sabrina had been dating Ken behind my back, and now, its the same for Z.

Why? Why is it everytime I like someone, things start to go downhill, I end up making things worse then it was before, and part of me shatters with this liking for Z. Honestly, I really liked Z, not because I was close to her only, but because at least I thought she was different from any of the other girls I liked, at least I thought she knew or understood me and could link up with me well. I guess it ain't that case. In the past, I kept thinking about all those times we were closer than usual, and I miss those times, but now, I guess the scene I saw with my very own eyes has left such an impression that I'll never be able to shake it off anymore.

I'm sad. I'm crying. And it hurts. But, I don't have the courage to do anything anymore.

I should really disappear...