Why is it I'm feeling the way that I feel now ? I took the 2 bloody hours to think it through, and I realised that I keep coming to the same conclusion, that no matter which incident it will be or had been, there will always be a valid reason, but when I try thinking about incidents or events that made me feel that effort was presented, I couldn't think of any. Every event or incident usually happens because we as the guys request or voice out for something, and thinking back, I really don't know when everything started out. Makes me feel that

I guess this whole anger thing, this whole feeling of "not even in the list of priorities or good friends" started 2 years ago in a silly Birthday celebration, gift, and most significantly, the card. Ever since then, this crazy idea of us never being respected or seen with any importance stuck on to me like a virus in a com. Every event seemed to be with a motive, if it was watching a movie it would solely be just watching a movie. After that, if it was getting late then they would just go. It never dawned to anyone that the event could have been better if there was some catching up or even some lame talking or a short drink session. When it was a birthday why is it always that only that particular person was in charged of everything, be it the gift or the plan ? Why was it that with other friends who weren't that close everyone would do their part to plan, and yet when it came down to them, every year, it was only that one particular person planning and asking me, or if it was his birthday it would then be up to me ? I remember last year no matter how long they took to plan the holiday we waited and tried our best to rush things to make things work. And yet, this year, I felt that we weren't even included in the plan, that they did not even consider asking or trying to plan out with us, and made every decision before telling us the final verdict and ask if we would want to join them. Even during their graduation, she had to lose her cool and got frustrated when actually she was the one who was late which was why she had to rush herself. There wasn't any surprise feeling of us being there, nor the fact that she really felt thankful that we were there for her graduation. I think even Peiyi felt grateful despite the fact that she already knew we came.

Maybe this is what I was afraid of, that it was always just "them and us", and not "us" as one big clique anymore.

From time to time, I will take out the birthday card and look at it. It constantly reminded me of what this friendship might be or could turn out to be. This incident probably left the deepest impression of "friendship" in my life, and I know TC has constantly mentioned that I'm forever digging out this particular past to grimace about, but the truth is, if it happened to anyone, they would never be able to shake off this incident at all. I asked a lot of my good friends about this incident, and they all agreed that if it did happen to them, if the friends whom they treated closest to them gave them such an empty birthday card for their birthday, they would have reacted and felt the same way I do now, nor will they ever be able to forget nor forgive such an incident. So why is it I can be so shameless and close off everything ? Why is it everytime when I'm upset I close myself up and keep it within me, and yet when they needed me the most I try to be there for them and encourage them. And yet, to them, I'm always just "emo-ing", and they never really bothered to actually try to understand why or what was happening.

I've really tried to brush it off. To ignore and forget. But this incident totally jerk me up and made me realised a lot of things. It wasn't their fault at all for this incident. But it just made me think back about all the other incidents and I've decided that I'll move on from here on.

Time to wake up my ideas and dreams.

Conclusion is, this clique right from the start was always and have always only been the "3-person" clique, and that me or TC, we were just normal friends to this clique...