What happens.. when you keep thinking of a girl, that you're not supposed to think off ?

Why is it I feel this way ?

When Z came in to office today, I told myself I should be myself, as per planned, try to go back to being normal friends, but when I tried to talk to her, she just chose to ignore me. Feeling wierd, I messaged her on our office chat, asking if shes ok, and she just replied two words :" i ok", making it super obvious she's not.

Only after checking it with Cat, then I realised that they were angry with me over this new girl, G. Honestly, I really have not even the slightest tinge of feeling towards G, and I treat her purely as a friend, cause inside, I still like Z a lot.. and when G asked yesterday if any of us had contact lens drop, I just tried to ask around like a friend.. I don't understand how it seems I'm super nice to her or not, at least I don't understand how HX, Z and Cat can actually think of it this way.

I find it damn sucky, because I hate it, I hate it when Z treats me this way, this nonchalent and heckcare attitude towards me. If I did something wrong to make her this angry about me, I get it. I deserve it. I totally do. But I did not do anything wrong, theres really nothing between me and G, I still like Z and think of Z all the time, and yet, because of this new girl G, suddenly it feels like I've made a grave mistake.

I really don't have a clue why they think that I'm being too friendly, but i guess its because of my track record. Its because in their minds, their perception of me is that I'm such a guy, that if a new girl comes in to my life or what, I will move on, and tackle the new girl. I admit, I'm guilty of this in the past, but that was history, and I actually tried my best to change for Z, I told myself to stop trying to know other girls, nor get closer to any other girls, and even when I go clubs, I don't even chat up girls, even if girls are near me and my guy frens, they can bear witness that I have never taken the initiative nor chance to even talk to these girls.

I know my track record sucks. I know that everyone has that kind of impression of me, that I'm the kind of guy that moves on too fast and don't seem secure enough, but I'm really trying my best to change that, I'm really doing all I can to change impressions of me, and yet, nothing seems to work that way.

I feel like shit inside. Really. Because I can't shake off my past history, and that even little thing I do is being scrutinized towards the bad side, taking it that I'm doing this to woo this girl, or doing that to woo that girl, and yet..no one remembers the rest of the good things that I did for this person. Even if the whole world misjudged me, I would still be ok, as long as that one person doesnt, because I thought by treating her in the nicest way I can, by doing things and buying things and talking to her and care for her, I would slowly show her that this is the true me. And yet, the disappointing factor is always that one person, that the one person never really remember what I've said or did for her, but only focus on a small issue which I did not think i overstep any line at all.. why cant they seem to remember that when they were the one that needed help, i did much more than I did for G yesterday ? When Ron needed contact lens lotion, I did the same thing I did for him as I did for G yest, when Z was sick, I would go down to get medicine for her, if not I would accompany her to the doc so that she doesnt feel bored, I even took half day for her to go all the way to CCK to her place to bring her to go see doc cause I tot it was very serious and was worried about her going to the doc alone. Where do all the memories of these go to ?

Why do i feel like crying so much ?

Why does it hurt to be misunderstood ?

Why do i feel hurt when i'm just invisible to her......

Hey.

Something happened last week.

Kind of felt very disappointed at Cat and Z. So I kind of gave them the attitude and ignored them for the whole week. When Friday came, I tink Z kind of got pissed, and we kind of had this quarrel thru sms. Honestly, I was very pissed when quarrelling with her, but I let my emotions get the better of me. During the quarrel, there were so many times I actually wanted to sms back and tell her sorry and not to be angry at me, but I did not want to give in, because I felt so neglected.. The very fact that even though I was emo-ing and not being myself, and yet both of them did not bother till Friday, made me feel even worse.

I went to meet them at Dragonfly to give my boss a treat. And yet, the both of us pretended that everything was alright. I was glad it did not affect her, but at the same time, I guess with the quarrel, my emotions came out as well. I felt super sad and bottled up. I drank like mad. I smoked like mad. To make it worse, thinking I'll make her jealous, I actually tried to chat up Ivy's friend and got her no. But Z did not even bother. I guess that's when I kind of crumbled and drank way over my limit. On the cab back, I got drunk, and ended up having both of them sent me home. The ride back was bad, cause I really said a lot of stuff that bothered me a lot, and I even cried, but it was all the stuff that was bottled up inside all this while. When I woke up the next morning, I felt super bad.

After this incident, I realised that I haven't moved on any further at all. I know I can't like her, because I know she still likes Her, and I really tried to move on, but I guess this drunk incident got me realising that I haven't moved at all, and suddenly seeing her so down bcos of Her, I softened up and actually tried getting close to her. But, ultimately, I know I stand no chance of being near her at all. Because inside, the one that still holds the key to her heart is Her, and at the same pt of time, I'm not even the type of guy that can stir her heart one bit.

Its back to the drawing board, its time I started remembering what I promised myself that I should do, and really disappear this time round....

I really really need to let go for good.... at least for her good... at least so as not to spoil the frenship that she has with me..

Really really realy... let go....